With everything going on in the world, I believe that light has been shed on the matter that as people, we need to be more comfortable talking about the uncomfortable. This was my message a few weeks ago, and this week will follow suit but on a different yet far too relatable topic. Money.
Money comes with it’s own beliefs, thoughts, and desires. But one thing is true, we need it to survive. Some have had it given to them, and some have to beg for it. Some struggle to earn it, where for others it comes natural.
Yet regardless of whether someone has millions or just pennies, few talk about it freely? Why?
Money Taboo
Sharing and storytelling has been around for thousands of years as a way to pass knowledge and wisdom from generation to generation. Yet, somewhere along the line, this sharing stopped.
And I get it, there are thousands of books, podcasts, websites, and blogs that talk about money. How to acquire it, invest it, and save it. Yet, at least in my family, I would never ask what someone else made, how much they spend each month, or what’s their financial plan for retirement.
That would be rude. Why? I’m not sure.
No one has ever told me I can’t ask those questions, but I grew up like most with an unspoken rule about money. It’s personal. So personal that it would be rude to ask those kinds of questions even to those closest to you.
The same is true with my blog, every time I post about how much I make, save, invest, or pay in taxes, I get asked by my dad if I’m comfortable sharing that type of information with the world.
And when he asks me that, I do question if I should be sharing that information. Because money leads to perceived status and judgement from others.
Why? Again, I’m not sure.
But ask any traveler who shows up to work a job at a hospital and is treated differently by the other staff. The staff doesn’t even know what the travelers salary is, but they know it’s likely higher than theirs and this often leads to resentment. Because no one wants to know that somebody else is getting paid more to do the exact same job as them.
So Why is There a Taboo around Money?
I believe that this taboo remains rooted in us due to the 4 P’s: Pride, Power, Protection, and Privilege.
Pride: Like I said money is very much associated with status, so inherently it is associated with pride. Many people don’t discuss money because they are embarrassed by what they make, their past purchases, or their lack of a retirement plan. Due to this pride, they tend to hide their finances even from their loved ones.
This pride then blocks the flow of financial information between generations.
Power: Money has always been a form of power over other people. And by stopping the communication about money, it further enhances the person’s position who has the money and power. It’s all about control.
According to a 2014 survey by the Allstate Foundation, 98% of domestic-violence victims also experienced some form of financial abuse too. If someone controls the finances and doesn’t communicate it to their spouse, they now have more power over that person.
Protection: Not discussing money with people close to you can also be a form of protection. You are shielding them from how bad a financial outlook may be. Rather than making multiple people worry or stress, you hide it, to protect them from this worry. You feel that by taking the full weight of the financial burden for your family, that you are in some way saving them. When in reality you are letting them live in a fake financial bubble that is often ready to burst.
Privilege: Money is a privilege, a privilege a lot of us don’t realize we have. Maybe we haven’t talked about money because we have never had the need to. We never were forced to understand money or personal finance because everything we have ever needed was provided for us.
Whenever we had financial concern, rather than asking questions to better understand, we just asked for help. And the help came. This help and this lack of need to understand money is a privilege
A Generational Block of Knowledge
The 4 P’s are on the individual level of why we don’t talk about money but on a larger scale it creates an even bigger issue. A lack of knowledge.
Because of this taboo, money is never discussed with you from your parents, from your school, from your friends, or from your colleagues. So you grow up to become very uneducated about money yourself.
And because of these unwritten rules regarding money, you don’t feel comfortable even asking the necessary questions to educate yourself.
As a result, even if you are able to overcome the 4 P’s personally, you don’t feel qualified to discuss money with your children or your children’s children.
Which further creates a block in the generational flow of knowledge, making each generation that follows that much more confused about money while strengthening the taboo surrounding it. And until someone breaks this cycle, this will continue into the future.
Why Not Talking About Money is a Problem
It’s a problem for many reasons both on an individual, social and a systemic level.
Individually, when we don’t talk about money or don’t understand money it can lead to unnecessary stress and mental health issues. According to a study from the American Psychological Association, 72% of people felt stress from money within the last month.
And when we are stressed we further make errant financial decisions. According to a survey from Credit Karma, of those polled, 52% of people reported that they impulsively shopped to deal with feelings of stress, anxiety, or depression. Which usually results in a quick shot of dopamine followed by increased financial stress following.
Discussing and understanding money is healthy for us mentally.
Socially, when we don’t talk about money, people tend to assume someone’s financial status or power based on their career or more likely, their stuff. Stuff meaning bigger homes, nicer cars, or more expensive clothes or gadgets.
What this does, is it creates an unhealthy consumer. A consumer who now needs to show their status, or fake their status for that matter, by the things that they own. This often leads to people over extending themselves financially to show off this perceived status to their family, friends, co-workers or potential partners.
Discussing and understanding money is healthy for us socially.
Systematically, when we don’t talk about money it continues to allow one group of people to have the ability to access more money than others. According to the US Census Bureau, as of 2018, women still made only 82 cents to every dollar that men made performing the same work with the same experience. This gap is even greater when we look specifically at race, as black women make just 62 cents to every dollar a white, non-hispanic man makes.
Talking about money will not fix systemic oppression, but it can help. It may be uncomfortable to discuss pay gaps with your colleagues but by not discussing money it allows employers to continue to hold power over you and your colleagues.
And most employers bank on this fear their employees have to discuss money, because if everyone knew what someone with the same job title was making, more people would be asking for raises. This lack of financial sharing allows employers to maintain power, and this power is often held to a higher degree to women or people of color.
Discussing and understanding money is healthy for us systemically.
Not talking about money is a major problem. A problem that others know about and often will use to exploit you. It happens all around us, all the time, even if we don’t realize it.
I mean heck, even some restaurants use this fear of discussing money against us. How many times have you been to a restaurant where the prices aren’t listed? And how many times have you asked the waiter to tell you what each entree costs? You likely haven’t, because you perceived it as rude. So you order blindly before later having to stomach an unexpected bill.
The Solution
The solution is easy. Begin to welcome financial discussions in your own life. It doesn’t mean you need to blatantly call out everyone you know or work with regarding their finances because there is still money etiquette, which we can discuss in a future post. But I do challenge everyone to begin to step outside of their comfort zones and have these challenging discussions.
Start with your loved ones first, and work from there. You’ll find that the more you discuss money, the less fearful you will become of the conversation and money itself.
Conclusion
It’s time to break this taboo around money talks because I feel it can have a positive impact individually, socially, and systemically.
It’s not easy but it’s far over due. Let’s begin to unblock the flow of financial information and knowledge to continue to help better serve the generations to come.
If you have any questions, feel free to comment below!
